How to Mend Your Broken Heart: Overcome Emotional Pain at the End of a Relationship

© 2003 Paul McKenna, PhD & Hugh Willbourn, PhD
Three Rivers Press, New York, New York
ISBN 1-4000-5404-4

Although this book contains some helpful information, I wouldn't go so far as to say that it lived up to the author's claims of being able to "stop the pain of a broken heart in its tracks and bring about lasting improvements..." in my life, anyway. But then, maybe my situation is a bit different from those which Drs. McKenna and Willbourn reported.

That's not to say, however, that it won't work for others. Obviously, all our situations are different; consequently others will be affected or respond to this information much differently. But then, while I want the pain to stop, I'm not willing to stop loving my ex, which is where the good doctors' techniques ultimately lead the reader. Granted, falling out of love is the ultimate goal for many who wish to get over their exes. But at the same time, for many others - such as myself - it is not.

I also found their advice on eliminating jealousy and obsession by utilizing a technique to `white it out' not only rather simplistic, but unrealistic. For some - both men and women - being able to let go of either obsession or jealousy is hardly as easy as pretending that it can be erased. Just like love, jealousy and obsession are two very powerful emotions that take time to work through. This, I would posit, is where the utilization of Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP), hypnosis, retraining and reframing are, in my humble opinion, more likely to work; along with a good dose of cognitive behavior therapy.

The reference to New Orleans Gestalt therapist, Anne Teachworth's theory, that we learn to relate to significant others based on the relational interactions we observed in our parents, resonated strongly. Although, certainly, there are often other factors involved, but there's no arguing (and quite a few studies in support of the contention) that - for the most part - children learn by emulating what they see and hear. Therefore, it only stands to reason that we are most likely going to carry these learned behaviors with us into adulthood and into our own relationships.

Once again, although the doctors offered some good advice, I was also struck by the fact that an equal amount of advice seemed insensitive and aimed at women while not taking into consideration that women don't think or respond similarly. Case in point: "Your past is your job to deal with. It is not your new partner's job. So rather than foist it on them, work through it with a friend or a therapist." `Foist'? This is the way most men think. It is not, generally, the way women think. Many women, in fact, are usually all too willing to hear about their partner's past issues if their partner is willing to share that part of their life with them. Additionally, in some cases this advice is not feasible, such as when one partner truly has no one else to talk to and is in dire need of talking about a situation that is potentially life-threatening. It appears that chivalry must, most certainly, be dead.

So...how does one mend a broken heart? I never quite reached the point by the end of the book where I felt that my broken heart had been mended by the advice offered. In my opinion, this can only be done by learning to love oneself. Because by loving ourselves we realize that we are deserving of love from others and that we deserve more than a partner who has chosen not to remain in our lives. Only then can one learn to let go of the pain of a broken relationship and go on to truly love another.

And, in case you're wondering...it took reading this book for me to see that I really didn't need anyone to tell me how to let go of the pain of my broken heart. The answer was always within.