Radical Forgiveness: Making Room for the Miracle

© 2002 Colin C. Tipping
Global Thirteen Publications; Marietta, Georgia, USA
ISBN 0-9704814-1-1

Jacket Blurb:

This book will more than likely change your life. It will transform how you view your past and what is occurring for you in the present, especially where relationships are concerned. Unlike other forms of forgiveness, Radical Forgiveness is easily achieved and virtually immediate, enabling you to let go of being a victim, open your heart and raise your vibration. The simple, easy-tools provided help you let go of the emotional baggage of the past and to feel the joy of living in total surrender to the process of life as it unfolds – however it unfolds. The result is vastly increased happiness, personal power and freedom.

Kat’s Book Nook Review

Each of us, whether we wish to admit it or not, has emotional baggage. Even the most cerebral, in-his-head, die-hard Gemini who would rather do anything other than emote – especially about the past and those sticky issues known as feelings – has accumulated baggage that he has stuffed away in his mental and emotional attic. The problem is, we can stuff and bury and hide as much and as diligently as we’d like, but that baggage has a way of resurfacing when we least expect it. And often, when it does reappear, it brings with it lots of painful, festering memories, that unless we’re prepared to finally and fully confront, only get worse.

Short of spending ten years in therapy, what does one do to short circuit the process required to eradicate painful memories?

According to Colin Tipping, the quickest and easiest way is through Radical Forgiveness which “challenges us to radically shift our perception of the world and our interpretations of what happens to us in our lives so we can stop being a victim.”

Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m all for that. Who wants to be a victim?

Due to the fact that I’ve continued to experience the residual fallout from several ancient, yet severe issues in my own life, I decided to utilize Mr. Tipping’s suggestions. What did I have to lose, except the painful baggage I’ve been carrying around with me for the past 40 or more years? (And boy, are MY arms tired!) Miraculously, his suggestions actually worked.

One of the things I’ve come to realize independent of Radical Forgiveness, is that our view or our perception of events colors them greatly. That is, an event may not have happened exactly as we remember it, nor have been as traumatic as we remember it. But because of our own filters, which include the experiences we’ve accrued that have shaped who we are, we each tend to perceive the same situation a bit differently.

Conversely, sometimes those same events are as traumatic as we remember them, and attempting to release the pain, anger and trauma that so often accompanies such memories can be quite difficult, at best, but oh-so-rewarding if it can be done.

The challenge is that, for someone who has, say, post traumatic stress disorder, letting go of the past can be extremely difficult. According to Tipping, “Forgiveness should be about letting go of the past, and refusing to be controlled by it.” Easier said than done, one would think. And for me, it has been.

Additionally, even within traditional religions, most of which teach some form of forgiveness, we’re not prepared to deal with the feelings that inundate us when attempting to forgive someone for something as heinous as child sexual abuse or murder.

The one possible ‘bone of contention’ in Tipping’s offerings is that he bases the concept of Radical Forgiveness on reincarnation. While I, personally, believe in reincarnation, not everyone does. However, at one point in my life I was a ‘devout’ Christian. Therefore, I was able to peruse Radical Forgiveness through the eyes of someone with Bible-based beliefs, as well. Unfortunately, I found it difficult to reconcile what I was learning from Tipping’s book, with what I had been taught as a Christian. However, once I shifted my perspective to a more Universal, if you will, perspective, I was finally able to grasp and apply his theory of Radical Forgiveness. And, for me, it worked.

From this more Universal perspective what I was able to see was that, as Tipping points out, there is nothing to forgive. Everything is as it was meant to be.

The concept for this is based on the ‘assumption’ that we, as Souls or spiritual beings, are having a human experience and have come to earth to learn over a period of numerous incarnations. Says Tipping, “…our Souls keep coming back time after time again with others from our soul group to resolve particular karmic imbalances.”

My own view, even previous to reading Radical Forgiveness, has been that we, as reincarnating Souls, write out the script we will use for each incarnation. As we’re composing our script in the In Between Time, we get together with those of our Soul Family whom we wish to assist us in our Journey, and request their assistance at certain points in our upcoming incarnation.

Seeing what happened to me from this perspective: that is, that those by whom I was harmed were merely following my own script so that I could learn whatever lesson I felt I needed to learn this time around, has helped tremendously. I no longer cast blame or feel anger. I’ve come to the realization that continuing to hold on to angry memories that do nothing more than cause pain and resentment and prevent me from accomplishing what I came here to do only holds me back from reaching my ultimate goal.

Along with loads of excellent advice, Tipping shows how to ‘collapse the story,’ or condense it, utilizing a worksheet that can be downloaded for free from the Radical Forgiveness website.

Yet, while I’ve been able to finally forgive those who harmed me when I was a child, it’s been a bit more difficult for me to forgive myself for things which I’ve done or said to harm someone else. Especially my 2^nd husband. But I’ve learned that this is all part of the ‘game’ of life which we, as Souls, play. And after all, we’re all ‘works in progress.’

Namaste,

Kat Starwolf

How to Mend Your Broken Heart: Overcome Emotional Pain at the End of a Relationship

© 2003 Paul McKenna, PhD & Hugh Willbourn, PhD
Three Rivers Press, New York, New York
ISBN 1-4000-5404-4

Although this book contains some helpful information, I wouldn't go so far as to say that it lived up to the author's claims of being able to "stop the pain of a broken heart in its tracks and bring about lasting improvements..." in my life, anyway. But then, maybe my situation is a bit different from those which Drs. McKenna and Willbourn reported.

That's not to say, however, that it won't work for others. Obviously, all our situations are different; consequently others will be affected or respond to this information much differently. But then, while I want the pain to stop, I'm not willing to stop loving my ex, which is where the good doctors' techniques ultimately lead the reader. Granted, falling out of love is the ultimate goal for many who wish to get over their exes. But at the same time, for many others - such as myself - it is not.

I also found their advice on eliminating jealousy and obsession by utilizing a technique to `white it out' not only rather simplistic, but unrealistic. For some - both men and women - being able to let go of either obsession or jealousy is hardly as easy as pretending that it can be erased. Just like love, jealousy and obsession are two very powerful emotions that take time to work through. This, I would posit, is where the utilization of Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP), hypnosis, retraining and reframing are, in my humble opinion, more likely to work; along with a good dose of cognitive behavior therapy.

The reference to New Orleans Gestalt therapist, Anne Teachworth's theory, that we learn to relate to significant others based on the relational interactions we observed in our parents, resonated strongly. Although, certainly, there are often other factors involved, but there's no arguing (and quite a few studies in support of the contention) that - for the most part - children learn by emulating what they see and hear. Therefore, it only stands to reason that we are most likely going to carry these learned behaviors with us into adulthood and into our own relationships.

Once again, although the doctors offered some good advice, I was also struck by the fact that an equal amount of advice seemed insensitive and aimed at women while not taking into consideration that women don't think or respond similarly. Case in point: "Your past is your job to deal with. It is not your new partner's job. So rather than foist it on them, work through it with a friend or a therapist." `Foist'? This is the way most men think. It is not, generally, the way women think. Many women, in fact, are usually all too willing to hear about their partner's past issues if their partner is willing to share that part of their life with them. Additionally, in some cases this advice is not feasible, such as when one partner truly has no one else to talk to and is in dire need of talking about a situation that is potentially life-threatening. It appears that chivalry must, most certainly, be dead.

So...how does one mend a broken heart? I never quite reached the point by the end of the book where I felt that my broken heart had been mended by the advice offered. In my opinion, this can only be done by learning to love oneself. Because by loving ourselves we realize that we are deserving of love from others and that we deserve more than a partner who has chosen not to remain in our lives. Only then can one learn to let go of the pain of a broken relationship and go on to truly love another.

And, in case you're wondering...it took reading this book for me to see that I really didn't need anyone to tell me how to let go of the pain of my broken heart. The answer was always within.