Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ

Emotional Intelligence
Why it Can Matter More Than IQ
Copyright © 1995 Daniel Goleman
Bantam Books; New York,New York
ISBN 0-553-37506-7

Jacket Blurb:

Is IQ destiny? Not nearly as much as we think. Daniel Goleman’s fascinating and persuasive book argues that our view of human intelligence is far too narrow, ignoring a crucial range of abilities that matter immensely in terms of how we do in life.

Drawing on groundbreaking brain and behavioral research, Goleman shows the factors at work when people of high IQ flounder and those of modest IQ do surprisingly well. These factors, which include self-awareness, self-discipline and empathy, add up to a different way of being smart – one he terms “emotional intelligence.” While childhood is a critical time for its development, emotional intelligence is not fixed at birth. It can be nurtured and strengthened throughout adulthood – with immediate benefits to our health, our relationships, and our work.

This eye-opening book offers a new vision of excellence and vital new curriculum for life that can change the future for us and for our children.

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Kat’s Book Nook Review

I first picked up this twelve year old classic with the intention of learning something useful I could share with my clients. However, I doubted that I could actually learn anything I hadn’t already learned.

I was wrong.

Not only did I learn about how to be more emotionally intelligent myself, but I also learned that – had I known about the book back in 1995 when it was first published – I could have been saved the recurring emotional pain that I have continued to experience in my own personal life because of extreme trauma that occurred when I was a young teenager back in the late-60s/mid-70s.

Isn’t that why so many therapists become therapists? To help others through and out of the same kind of emotional pain they, themselves have endured?

Being an astrologer as well, I wondered if some of us aren’t predisposed to experiencing emotionally debilitating events which result in post traumatic stress disorder. I also wondered if a person’s astrological sign, or more precisely, the element (i.e. fire, earth, air and water) in which our natal birth planets are located, might not have something to do with one’s tendency to not only be emotional in the first place, but to ruminate.

In astrology, water is equated with emotion, fire with passion, air with stoicism or the lack of emotion, and earth with dullness and bluntness. I am a fire sign with six planets and my ascendant or Rising Sign in a fire element, and five of those same planets plus an additional planet (which is in Cancer and ruled by the Moon which symbolizes our deepest emotions) in a water house. Consequently, I tend to be passionate and emotional. I am also extremely empathic: I feel what others feel to an extreme degree. And, yes, I speak in extremes, because that is what the fire and water signs do. And I am both.

Therefore, I was looking for something that would help me to be less emotional.

Additionally, my initial motivation was to assist others to be emotionally stable in their relationships. However, as I continued to read, I realized that emotions are rarely isolated or static occurrences. They don’t exist in a vacuum, in other words. Generally, there is a reason we become emotional, even if often (for those of us who have PTSD) that emotion is triggered by an event or by something someone in our current life does, and thus the emotion that stems from an event that occurred in the past, is projected onto a virtually innocent individual in our present.

Consequently, I realized also that before I could figure out how to solve my emotional ‘problem,’ I needed to get to the root or cause of it.

So what, you might wonder, does emotional intelligence have to do with relationships? Everything. The way in which we relate to each other determines the success – or lack thereof – of any relationship.

Unfortunately, I had to learn this the hard way. My second husband was a wonderful man who had no idea what he was getting into when he married me. And I – unsuspecting as I was – had no idea how insidious the effects of the trauma I had previously experienced, were, and how deeply they would affect my husband, myself, and our marriage. In fact, because I hadn’t received the help that I should have received when I was a teenager, by the time I married my second husband in my late teens, even though I was numb most of the time (from shock), my emotions were nearly out of control to the point that I ended up divorcing him by my mid twenties because I feared that I might harm him.

This, of course, is an extreme case. But then, I was so full of emotion that it’s not surprising that I went overboard. Had I received the help I needed as soon as the traumas occurred, I would have been able to work through the resulting emotions without projecting and inflicting that pain onto my husband.

In the chapter entitled, Trauma and Emotional Relearning, Goleman says that, “As patients retell the horrific details of the trauma, the memory starts to be transformed, both in the emotional meaning and in its effects on the emotional brain.”

Somehow, I instinctively knew that. I tried to talk to anyone and everyone I could. Sadly, no one would listen. Not even the police. And I didn’t have a therapist at the time. My husband, bless his heart, wasn’t able to handle my attempted confessions; he just didn’t know what to do for me. Plus, being an air sign, he tended to run at the first sign of emotion.

Additionally, Goleman states that “patients need to mourn the loss the trauma brought – whether an injury, the death of a loved one or a rupture in a relationship, regret over some step not taken to save someone, or just the shattering of confidence that people can be trusted. The mourning that ensues while retelling such painful events serves a crucial purpose: it marks the ability to let go of the trauma itself to some degree. It means that instead of being perpetually captured by this moment in the past [which PTSD patients are prone to do], patients can start to look ahead, even to hope, and to rebuild a new life free of the trauma’s grip.”

It’s been forty years, exactly, since the first traumatic event occurred. But thanks to the therapy I finally received that helped me to put those events in the past where they belong and leave them there, I’m finally able to say that I have reached that level of emotional intelligence for which I had been striving.

Many thanks to Dan Goleman for his excellent work.

Namaste,

Kat Starwolf

Radical Forgiveness: Making Room for the Miracle

© 2002 Colin C. Tipping
Global Thirteen Publications; Marietta, Georgia, USA
ISBN 0-9704814-1-1

Jacket Blurb:

This book will more than likely change your life. It will transform how you view your past and what is occurring for you in the present, especially where relationships are concerned. Unlike other forms of forgiveness, Radical Forgiveness is easily achieved and virtually immediate, enabling you to let go of being a victim, open your heart and raise your vibration. The simple, easy-tools provided help you let go of the emotional baggage of the past and to feel the joy of living in total surrender to the process of life as it unfolds – however it unfolds. The result is vastly increased happiness, personal power and freedom.

Kat’s Book Nook Review

Each of us, whether we wish to admit it or not, has emotional baggage. Even the most cerebral, in-his-head, die-hard Gemini who would rather do anything other than emote – especially about the past and those sticky issues known as feelings – has accumulated baggage that he has stuffed away in his mental and emotional attic. The problem is, we can stuff and bury and hide as much and as diligently as we’d like, but that baggage has a way of resurfacing when we least expect it. And often, when it does reappear, it brings with it lots of painful, festering memories, that unless we’re prepared to finally and fully confront, only get worse.

Short of spending ten years in therapy, what does one do to short circuit the process required to eradicate painful memories?

According to Colin Tipping, the quickest and easiest way is through Radical Forgiveness which “challenges us to radically shift our perception of the world and our interpretations of what happens to us in our lives so we can stop being a victim.”

Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m all for that. Who wants to be a victim?

Due to the fact that I’ve continued to experience the residual fallout from several ancient, yet severe issues in my own life, I decided to utilize Mr. Tipping’s suggestions. What did I have to lose, except the painful baggage I’ve been carrying around with me for the past 40 or more years? (And boy, are MY arms tired!) Miraculously, his suggestions actually worked.

One of the things I’ve come to realize independent of Radical Forgiveness, is that our view or our perception of events colors them greatly. That is, an event may not have happened exactly as we remember it, nor have been as traumatic as we remember it. But because of our own filters, which include the experiences we’ve accrued that have shaped who we are, we each tend to perceive the same situation a bit differently.

Conversely, sometimes those same events are as traumatic as we remember them, and attempting to release the pain, anger and trauma that so often accompanies such memories can be quite difficult, at best, but oh-so-rewarding if it can be done.

The challenge is that, for someone who has, say, post traumatic stress disorder, letting go of the past can be extremely difficult. According to Tipping, “Forgiveness should be about letting go of the past, and refusing to be controlled by it.” Easier said than done, one would think. And for me, it has been.

Additionally, even within traditional religions, most of which teach some form of forgiveness, we’re not prepared to deal with the feelings that inundate us when attempting to forgive someone for something as heinous as child sexual abuse or murder.

The one possible ‘bone of contention’ in Tipping’s offerings is that he bases the concept of Radical Forgiveness on reincarnation. While I, personally, believe in reincarnation, not everyone does. However, at one point in my life I was a ‘devout’ Christian. Therefore, I was able to peruse Radical Forgiveness through the eyes of someone with Bible-based beliefs, as well. Unfortunately, I found it difficult to reconcile what I was learning from Tipping’s book, with what I had been taught as a Christian. However, once I shifted my perspective to a more Universal, if you will, perspective, I was finally able to grasp and apply his theory of Radical Forgiveness. And, for me, it worked.

From this more Universal perspective what I was able to see was that, as Tipping points out, there is nothing to forgive. Everything is as it was meant to be.

The concept for this is based on the ‘assumption’ that we, as Souls or spiritual beings, are having a human experience and have come to earth to learn over a period of numerous incarnations. Says Tipping, “…our Souls keep coming back time after time again with others from our soul group to resolve particular karmic imbalances.”

My own view, even previous to reading Radical Forgiveness, has been that we, as reincarnating Souls, write out the script we will use for each incarnation. As we’re composing our script in the In Between Time, we get together with those of our Soul Family whom we wish to assist us in our Journey, and request their assistance at certain points in our upcoming incarnation.

Seeing what happened to me from this perspective: that is, that those by whom I was harmed were merely following my own script so that I could learn whatever lesson I felt I needed to learn this time around, has helped tremendously. I no longer cast blame or feel anger. I’ve come to the realization that continuing to hold on to angry memories that do nothing more than cause pain and resentment and prevent me from accomplishing what I came here to do only holds me back from reaching my ultimate goal.

Along with loads of excellent advice, Tipping shows how to ‘collapse the story,’ or condense it, utilizing a worksheet that can be downloaded for free from the Radical Forgiveness website.

Yet, while I’ve been able to finally forgive those who harmed me when I was a child, it’s been a bit more difficult for me to forgive myself for things which I’ve done or said to harm someone else. Especially my 2^nd husband. But I’ve learned that this is all part of the ‘game’ of life which we, as Souls, play. And after all, we’re all ‘works in progress.’

Namaste,

Kat Starwolf

How to Mend Your Broken Heart: Overcome Emotional Pain at the End of a Relationship

© 2003 Paul McKenna, PhD & Hugh Willbourn, PhD
Three Rivers Press, New York, New York
ISBN 1-4000-5404-4

Although this book contains some helpful information, I wouldn't go so far as to say that it lived up to the author's claims of being able to "stop the pain of a broken heart in its tracks and bring about lasting improvements..." in my life, anyway. But then, maybe my situation is a bit different from those which Drs. McKenna and Willbourn reported.

That's not to say, however, that it won't work for others. Obviously, all our situations are different; consequently others will be affected or respond to this information much differently. But then, while I want the pain to stop, I'm not willing to stop loving my ex, which is where the good doctors' techniques ultimately lead the reader. Granted, falling out of love is the ultimate goal for many who wish to get over their exes. But at the same time, for many others - such as myself - it is not.

I also found their advice on eliminating jealousy and obsession by utilizing a technique to `white it out' not only rather simplistic, but unrealistic. For some - both men and women - being able to let go of either obsession or jealousy is hardly as easy as pretending that it can be erased. Just like love, jealousy and obsession are two very powerful emotions that take time to work through. This, I would posit, is where the utilization of Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP), hypnosis, retraining and reframing are, in my humble opinion, more likely to work; along with a good dose of cognitive behavior therapy.

The reference to New Orleans Gestalt therapist, Anne Teachworth's theory, that we learn to relate to significant others based on the relational interactions we observed in our parents, resonated strongly. Although, certainly, there are often other factors involved, but there's no arguing (and quite a few studies in support of the contention) that - for the most part - children learn by emulating what they see and hear. Therefore, it only stands to reason that we are most likely going to carry these learned behaviors with us into adulthood and into our own relationships.

Once again, although the doctors offered some good advice, I was also struck by the fact that an equal amount of advice seemed insensitive and aimed at women while not taking into consideration that women don't think or respond similarly. Case in point: "Your past is your job to deal with. It is not your new partner's job. So rather than foist it on them, work through it with a friend or a therapist." `Foist'? This is the way most men think. It is not, generally, the way women think. Many women, in fact, are usually all too willing to hear about their partner's past issues if their partner is willing to share that part of their life with them. Additionally, in some cases this advice is not feasible, such as when one partner truly has no one else to talk to and is in dire need of talking about a situation that is potentially life-threatening. It appears that chivalry must, most certainly, be dead.

So...how does one mend a broken heart? I never quite reached the point by the end of the book where I felt that my broken heart had been mended by the advice offered. In my opinion, this can only be done by learning to love oneself. Because by loving ourselves we realize that we are deserving of love from others and that we deserve more than a partner who has chosen not to remain in our lives. Only then can one learn to let go of the pain of a broken relationship and go on to truly love another.

And, in case you're wondering...it took reading this book for me to see that I really didn't need anyone to tell me how to let go of the pain of my broken heart. The answer was always within.

The Law of Attraction

The Law of Attraction
© 2006 Ester & Jerry Hicks
Hay House Publishers, Inc.; Carlsbad, California
ISBN 13: 978-1-4019-1227-7

April 15, 2007

Jacket Blurb: “This book presents the powerful basics of the original Teachings of Abraham. Within these pages, you’ll see how all things, wanted and unwanted, are brought to you by this most powerful Law of the Universe: the Law of Attraction (that which is like unto itself, is drawn). You’ve most likely heard the sayings “Like attracts like,” “Birds of a feather flock together,” or “It is done unto you as you believe” (a belief is only a thought you keep thinking); and although the Law of Attraction has been alluded to by some of the greatest teachers in history, it has never before been explained in as clear and practical terms as in this latest book by best-selling authors Esther and Jerry Hicks.

“Here, you’ll learn about the omnipresent Laws that govern this Universe and how to make them work to your advantage. The knowledge that you’ll absorb from reading this book will take all the guesswork out of living. You’ll finally understand just about everything that’s happening in your own life, as well as the lives of those you’re interacting with. This book will help you joyously be, do or have anything that you desire!”

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Kat’s Book Nook Review

Back in the mid-to-late ‘70s, when I was still a fairly young pup, I tried my hand at wading through the works of existential guru, Carlos Castaneda. Even now, Castaneda is a powerhouse of metaphysical gems of wisdom designed to expand the mind; so I occasionally venture down memory lane and re-read all those tomes of wisdom he produced in an attempt to better understand his thought processes. For the most part, I have been successful. Yet the one thing that I still had a difficult time with until recently, was comprehending Castaneda’s concept of ‘intention.’

What was this mysterious ‘intention,’ to which Castaneda repeatedly referred, and why couldn’t I grasp it?

Finally, after reading the words of Abraham in The Law of Attraction, the meaning became clear: intention is merely the process of creating, or bringing into existence, that which we desire. Simple; yet, for some reason, one of the most difficult things for most of us to comprehend, much less attain. Yet, again, it all boils down to ‘intent.’ When one desires something strongly enough the Universe has no choice but to oblige.

Lately, however, it seems the Law of Attraction on which the recent movie, The Secret, is based, has come under fire. How, postulate many who are either unable or unwilling to see the logic behind this Law, can creating be as simple as the adherents proclaim?

Are the debunkers right? Is this ‘Law’ merely some New Age, woo-woo mumbo jumbo or a bona-fide Law similar to gravity, or possibly something in between?

In all fairness, I have to admit that, I too, wondered how it could be so simple. How could one possibly desire something badly enough to ‘create’ it into existence without, oftentimes, even acting on that desire, other than to think about it? And what about such desires as, say, wanting to fly? Could we manifest an ability that seems to go totally against the physical Laws with which we all must (seemingly) abide? Although I’ve not personally experienced this, what about those who are purported to levitate or bi-locate or miraculously heal themselves or others of terminal diseases? It seems to me that if it is, indeed, possible to do these things, could it not also be possible to fly?

And yet, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that…isn’t that what we do every day? We desire something that to many would seem impossible, we think about having it, and if we think long and hard enough, eventually (if not sooner) we find a way of manifesting whatever it is we so strongly desire into existence. As the saying goes, a house begins as a fleeting thought, then becomes an idea, eventually makes its way to a blueprint, and ultimately finds expression in being ‘manifested’ or constructed out of tangible, material substance. Yet, it began as a mere thought, a desire.

In fact, some of our greatest Teachers and thinkers – from the ancient Sumerians, Egyptians, Hindu, Chinese and Native Americans to Socrates, Plato, Buddha, Jesus, Mohammed, Gandhi and Mother Teresa taught some version of ‘thoughts become things.’

Even with all the evidence indicating that humans are capable of achieving feats far greater than even they realize, why have the majority of us believed that either the average person isn’t capable of greatness, or that the greatness which has, historically, been achieved is some fluke?

I suspect that, for the most part, it may be because we, as a conglomerate society, have been taught that only ‘the gods’ are capable of creation. Further, that we must sacrifice all to ‘the gods’ and rely on their good graces (and their whims) in order to experience the benefit of their bounty. Has this not been what has happened throughout the world over the last three- to four-thousand years in the forms of various religions?

Yet, is this really true? Do we really need to worship some elusive Concept of our own (or possibly someone else’s?) imaginative creation in order to reap the benefits we all so richly desire and deserve?

Speaking from a scientific-cum-psychological point of view, my belief is that we certainly ‘reap what we sow.’ If we choose negative thoughts, we will reap a negative outcome. If we are positive in our intent, we reap positive benefits. So, why is this concept so difficult for us to understand or believe?

Who of us doesn’t know at least someone who is so tenacious, relentless and ambitious that they never once listen to the ‘realistic’ advice of friends and family who tell them something can’t possibly be done, but instead follow the beat of their own drummer and end up achieving exactly what they always knew they could achieve while we stood on the sidelines gaping, jealous and in awe.

Individuals such as Hammurabi; Abraham (father of the Jews and Muslims); the Hebrew prophetess, Deborah; Buddha; Cleopatra; Jesus; Michelangelo; Leonard de Vinci; Nikola Tesla; Einstein and many others come to mind. Had they listened to well-wishers who just ‘knew’ that they were following the ‘wrong’ path, the world would be without all the great achievements it has accrued to date.

I fully believe that we are all part of the Collective Unconscious, the One, the All That Is and therefore have access to abilities of which we have, previously, only dreamed. If that is true, then are we not all gods and capable of manifesting anything we so desire?

~ Kat Starwolf
http://www.starwolfastrology.com/

“Whatever you do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius and power and magic in it.” Johann Wolfgang von Goethe quotes (German Playwright, Poet, Novelist and Dramatist. 1749-1832)

The Alchemist

The Alchemist
© 1988, 1993, 1994, 1998 Paulo Coelho
Harper Collins Publishers; San Francisco, California
ISBN-10: 0062502182; ISBN-13: 978-0062502186

A True-to-life Parable for Adults


“To Realize One’s Destiny is a Person’s Only Obligation.”

Santiago, a young shepherd boy, not content with the pastures of his home country, drives his sheep from one meadow to another in search of adventure. During his travels, the boy meets a gypsy who tells him of a far off treasure located at the Pyramids in Egypt; a treasure which is destined to be his. Realizing that he must give up his flock to find his treasure, Santiago reluctantly does so.

One day he meets the mysterious king, Melchizedek of Salem, who incites his curiosity and sets the boy off on a quest for answers. “Follow your dream,” says the old King; “listen to your heart.” On his journey, Santiago meets a crystal merchant, an Englishman and an alchemist, who each teach him something profound. Along the way he also meets the Love of his Life, who encourages him to look for his dream and then return to her.

Eventually, through a series of failed beginnings, false starts and dead ends, he finally makes his way out of the Maze of Life to find the Path that will lead to his Personal Legend or Life Purpose. Over the treacherous, barren desert, where men – and women – have been known to parish of great thirst and predation, he struggles on in search of the Pyramids, his Treasure and the Ultimate Truth.

Soon, he meets the Alchemist, who teaches him about nature, Love and miracles and helps him to understand the true meaning of life. The Alchemist tells him, “Everything that happens once, can happen again. But everything that happens twice, will surely happen a third time,” and “No matter what he does, every person on earth plays a central role in the history of the world. And normally he doesn’t know it.” …. “Be aware of the place where you are brought to tears...that is where your treasure is.”

The Alchemist helps him to see that we are all not only one with God, but that we are God and are capable of far more than we can ever imagine. On the journey, the boy meets someone he never expected to meet: himself.

At last, Santiago learns that home, most assuredly is where the heart is.